Phoenixa

Am I low?

Do I feel rejected?

Do I feel betrayed?

Do I feel like the worst has happened and it couldn’t have happened at a more crucial time?

Probably.

How often I ask these questions is a number I’ve forgotten. Of late, it feels like the jar of stuffed questions suddenly has filled, has come crashing down just to bury me.

To keep me down.

When you’re hit with something like that, getting up from it takes time.

It takes time for your head to reel from the shock of events. Who would have ever thought this would happen now? Everything seemed great, and that one moment, that one unthought out moment threw my world into a vortex of pain and submission.

I had nothing to say to anybody.

Nothing to say to myself.

Nothing to feel.

I needed time. I needed to heal. I needed to be reassured. I needed to hear things I didn’t want to hear.

Yet, nothing broke my will to be myself except time.

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I woke up one day feeling more positive. I wanted to go back to my dark corner, but I realized there’s no one funnelling me into my lonesome place except me. What’s done is done. I needed to use this energy, whatever kind it was, to rise.

To realize.

To reinvent myself.

To release myself.

To tame the flames.

I will not burn. No matter how long someone keeps me in the fire, I will not burn.

I fall, I revive.

That is what a Phoenix does, and that is what I will be.

^^

Sort-Of-Daily-Blogs: Three

So today will be a little different. I’m not going to lecture myself on something that should have been.

Today’s entry is based on a call I got at 4am, where my friend, in the most morbid tone ever told me his befriend’s dad died. These past two years I’ve seen the passing of many father’s and the oblivion my friends went into.

What stuck to me after he said this, was – “Life is very funny, he hasn’t even started completely living out his life as an adult and this happens”

This is a guy who’s still finishing an educational course to get a job later.

This pitch-fork hit reverberated in my brain long after our convo finished.

What am I doing then? I’ve barely set myself up for life to hit me that hard. God forbid something of the same were to happen to me, but in the instance it did – what would I do?

I’ve got a family that only ages by the day, and I’m 24.

I’ve recently decided to move on with my academics and work in an environment I want to be in rather than the half-assed job I’m at right now. I was still unsure when I made the decision but then again it was something that crept up on me as the hours of my employment grew.

Yesterday’s conversation cemented my decision.

I know I’m doing the right thing now. I’m moving on to greener pastures and sowing the seeds for a beneficial future.

 

Setting Sail to 2016

2016 is packaged, loaded and ready to be shipped somewhere with no return address.

Every year has it’s high’s and low’s but this 24th year of mine mixed in all the high’s and low’s at once and had me chug it. 

I’m not going to say “I’m so glad 2016 is over” nor am I going to say “Can’t wait for 2017” because every passing day is a continuance to the chapters of my life.

A bump up in the digits of a year will not change it, but rather will have me reflecting on the choices I made. Cliché and boring as it sounds, that’s what it truly means to have changed.  There is no new me. There is just me with a better presence of mind. 

I’m glad 2016 happened the way it did, but I don’t think I can handle another one of its likes again.

I haven’t achieved anything big, I haven’t achieved anything at all for that matter but as an individual with limitations I haven’t crossed before, I’ve gone through enough opportunities, new experiences, lost opportunities, betrayals, drunken madness, arguments, misunderstandings, realizations, and deaths to be able to say 2016 was a roller-coaster ride.

Friends: I’ve made quite a lot of them and I can’t say how happy I am to have that kind of influence in my life, but at the same time there were people I genuinely lost respect for and there’s no way I can ever go back to how we once were. It’s a shame that it happened the way it did but I’m so glad it did – because now my circle of friends has become just that much more important and refined.

Family: My family is crazy. End of Story. 

Love Life: Meh – honestly that avenue has no solid direction yet but I’m sure it’ll shape up to something. Count on it when I say I will not be writing about it.

Death: This year saw the passing of my darling dogs – Rocky & Junior. The best of brothers to each other and inseparable family members to us. They spent 12 years of their lives with us and left us in pieces. They can never be replaced and their presence will always be with us. RIP my babies – for doggy heaven- I’m sure you’ll rule.

Personal Level Realizations: Phew – here we go. I’ve learnt that carrying yourself matters. The impression you make on the first go is what gets you ahead and that sometimes is a good and bad thing. 

I’ve also learnt that people can be a dick of a judge when they asses you and that assessment can be on an exponentially wrong level.

But, it’s always happened that you get what you deserve. Even if the world is holding something against you, if you know deep down you deserve it, you will receive it. I know I sound like a prophet but trust me when I say the world has a weird way of showing you how worthwhile you actually are.

Partying: If I had to sum up 2016 in one word it would be “drunk”.

Stressing Out: You want something so bad and it doesn’t happen. Give it time, it’ll surely make its way around and I’m not talking just about events or things but also people.

When you let go, you start to broaden your perspective and take in things you never knew were there before, so don’t fret!

My Anger Issues: When you start employment, you can’t be the whack job you are on the outside. You have to learn to maintain poise, tackle issues and be a calm professional version of yourself even though you want to explode. I can’t tell you how many times I went into a homicidal rage by the happenings around me. Sometimes people can be VERY difficult and that’s something you need to deal with in a firm way. Don’t yell, don’t make a scene, just deal. 

Hobbies: I like writing so this year I took it up on me to actively get back to blogging. I revamped my blog and even started some extreme amateur level Ms Paint doodles, and I’m very liberated at doing it. I’ve also taken up other activities that fetch me a few extra bucks too. 

Point here is, don’t restrict yourself to one thing. This life is short and if there are other things you want to do, dive for it. They can be totally unrelated but as long as it’s something you want to do, DO IT. Coming to that, I’ve been wanting to join Zumba classes but I’m just too lazy so we’ll see how that goes in 2017.

Just Breathe: Be grateful for what you have. Sometimes it might feel like it’s not enough and I’ve been in that zone for a long time and I still go there, but I know I’m more privileged than a lot of others and that’s not something to be taken lightly of.

Venting: I feel, a lot -or I don’t feel at all. There’s no middle ground for me anymore. So my take on stress-busters is to either cry to myself when no one is watching or to fill myself with alcohol. Both sound destructive and spiraling – I know, but that’s how I deal. Not the best way but hopefully I’ll find other ways to tackle my issues. 

I don’t talk about my issues because for me, it’s a sign of weakness. I don’t like being sympathized – I like being understood but that’s fine line a lot of people don’t register. “Talk about it you’ll be fine” – No. I don’t talk about my deep-rooted issues. If I talk to you about something, be sure it’s not something that pricks me at the back of my head every day.

What I’ve written today is only a tid-bit of what the world doesn’t see. I’d never talk to people this much about how I feel but this year has been RIDICULOUSLY INSANE, and that calls for a little bit of shedding.

So here’s me hoping for a better version of myself in 2017. 

Hope you enjoyed this!

Signing off in 2016 – Have a Happy New Year guys – I’ll see you at the top of the calendar soon!

Sort-Of-Daily-Blogs: ONE