Cause & Effect

“The world is a cruel place” said Mikasa, to which I silently nod in agreement.

It makes me wonder if the universe controls our being, or if our minds do.

When you exist, do you exist for validation?

Do you feel you can do better if no one was to suppose your worth?

The invisible act of speaking has so much weight on our personalities, that even the mightiest of them all can crack a little.

Are we in the wrong? Perhaps. Does that give someone else the power to break our will though?

Are we human anymore if we remove the feeling of empathy?

Do we feel god-like for building barriers in our brains?

Where is the line we force ourselves to not cross, that reveals our inhuman side?

When our goals seem like an unattainable pass, we blame everything around us for  its happening.

Having the light inside of you does not show you the way anymore.

(Just a dazed diva doodle)

The light needs to be fed from the outside.

Certain elements are out of our control and that’s what strips us of the ability to become the superior being.

I only hope that people think before they become a cause for external conditions the receiver cannot control.

It’s fair to say that for every action, there is a reaction. Your contribution to the shaping of another person’s life is an action, to which an equal reaction will befall.

It’s only a matter of time – a matter of time to see how far a cause takes one, and when its time to return, how agonizing its effects.

Welcoming Myself 2.0

I’m back to where I once was and it feels good. It feels like I’ve been welcomed back again. Nostalgia makes me reminisce, nostalgia also makes me realize it’s been so long. I still remember the parks from the viewpoint of my 11 year old self, and while I try to stay there longer, urgency pulls me aside. Experience tells me to cherish a moment but not for too long. Logic tells me it’s about hustle.  I feel like I’m being called, but the calls seem like distant echoes – I familiarize with them, yet they’ve grown old.  I will always hold vivid images of these in my head – I’ve held on for so long, but now I’ve come to accept that I’ve changed, and my 11 year old self would question every bit of it. I’m happy, I’ve grown, I’ve lived, and although it feels like coming home to the memories of a child, it also feels like those surroundings are now expecting me to rise.

 

Phoenixa

Am I low?

Do I feel rejected?

Do I feel betrayed?

Do I feel like the worst has happened and it couldn’t have happened at a more crucial time?

Probably.

How often I ask these questions is a number I’ve forgotten. Of late, it feels like the jar of stuffed questions suddenly has filled, has come crashing down just to bury me.

To keep me down.

When you’re hit with something like that, getting up from it takes time.

It takes time for your head to reel from the shock of events. Who would have ever thought this would happen now? Everything seemed great, and that one moment, that one unthought out moment threw my world into a vortex of pain and submission.

I had nothing to say to anybody.

Nothing to say to myself.

Nothing to feel.

I needed time. I needed to heal. I needed to be reassured. I needed to hear things I didn’t want to hear.

Yet, nothing broke my will to be myself except time.

…
…
…
…

I woke up one day feeling more positive. I wanted to go back to my dark corner, but I realized there’s no one funnelling me into my lonesome place except me. What’s done is done. I needed to use this energy, whatever kind it was, to rise.

To realize.

To reinvent myself.

To release myself.

To tame the flames.

I will not burn. No matter how long someone keeps me in the fire, I will not burn.

I fall, I revive.

That is what a Phoenix does, and that is what I will be.

^^

Not A Good Feeling

I’ve been having lucid, frightening dreams.

I’ve been having dreams where the scenario is so familiar , so comfortable, yet so terrorizing.

My dreams have shown me that my comfort zone can be torn apart if I lingered around too long.

During a road-trip sorts, I fell asleep in the backseat of the car.

I was dreaming of driving without holding the steering.

The car glided straight, no bumps, not on cruise control.

It just went while I dozed off.

I suddenly felt the car veering.

The smoothness contorted to jagged.

I tried to wake myself up.

I was panicking.

My mind tried to move my body.

It tried to convince my limp self to hold the steering wheel but my limbs lay numb.

They lay paralyzed.

It was not pleasant.

I knew in a few seconds there’d be a terrible outcome but trying to move myself with my mind wasn’t working.

I was trapped in my dream.

Just as the pain of helplessness washed over me – my car jolted over a speed bump waking me up.

My heart beat heavily, my muscles were stiff whilst my head rested on my mom’s lap.

Being trapped in your own dream is not a good feeling.